1. While I do not understand why some of you are unable to pee into the toilet without missing, here’s what you need to know:
a. If you can’t keep your urine in the toilet, at least wipe up after yourself, Then
b. Close the lid. Then,
c. Flush the damn toilet for the love of god. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night. Flush the toilet. Then,
d. Wash your hands.
Why some men have never learned this, I do not know. But, fear not, that’s why I’m writing this.
2. Nobody, NOBODY wants you walking around their house with mud-caked shoes. Leave your shoes at the door. Just because you don’t have to clean it up does not mean it’s OK to leave mud all over the house.
3. It is not necessary to be told to do something. If you see that it needs to be done, JUST DO IT. For instance, if something’s growing between the cracks in the sidewalk, trust me, it’s a weed. Pull it.
4. Just because you have not been asked to help someone, you can help anyway. So, if you see someone struggling, HELP THEM (this includes helping children, the elderly, and not least, your spouse.)
5. If you don’t know how to do something, like, say, laundry . . . ask. Don’t just muddle through guessing what it is you’re supposed to do, and screwing everything up while you do it. Why there are some grown men who do not know how to do laundry, I don’t know. It seems like something which someone, somewhere along the line when you were a child, would have taught you. (Kind of like getting the pee into the toilet.)
6. When it becomes clear to you that something is wrong, we, your mothers and spouses, do not want to hear “Are you OK?” or “Do you need help?” Those are the wrong responses. The correct response is to get your ass out of the chair and appear at the site of the problem; then you say, “Tell me what to do.”
This is not a comprehensive list of instructions for men and will be updated as necessary.